Guess and Check

I went into The City yesterday with Mike to see the New York Philharmonic. We heard the “Summertime Classics – The Sound of America” set. Absolutely amazing. My favorite one was “Sunrise” of the Grand Canyon Suit by Grofe. Mike really liked the stuff from Rodeo by Copland. We also had a nice lunch/dinner at a fancy restaurant and had a great time just watching the people go by while we sat around Lincoln Center waiting for the concert.

But I’m not really here to talk about that. The most blog-able moment of our trip was the ride on the 1 train uptown from Penn Station to 66th Street. Warning! This is not for the feint of heart!

Here’s how it all went down:

{Mike and Tom are waiting on the subway platform for their train, engaged in pleasant conversation. The train arrives and they enter. There are no seats available, so they both stand holding the vertical poles. They both happen to be facing a gentleman who is sitting there. He notices that they are dressed in suits.}
Bum: Hey man, {Offers his hand to Mike. Mike slaps/shakes his hand.} are you getting some pussy tonight or somethin’?
Mike: Uh…
{Bum offers his hand to Tom as well, and Tom also shakes/slaps his hand.}
Bum: {to Tom} Hey you know who you remind me of? {Bum thinks to himself for a moment, scratching his chin. Tom and Mike exchange a knowing look.} Tom Hanks. Yeah, you remind me of Tom Hanks, except he’s kind of got more of that ‘fro. {gestures around his head to indicate a larger ‘fro} And you, {to Mike} you know who you remind me of? {he pauses} Yeah, yeah, you remind me of Biggie. Yeah. {He slaps their hands again.}
Tom: Is that right? Huh…
Bum: Yeah, so I’m my way to the VA, you know, I’ve got this problem with my foot, {Gestures to his foot, Mike and Tom look. It’s in a kind of walking cast thing.} yeah, you know how these things are, hard times and all. You know, I’d really appreciate it if you guys could help me out or somethin’.
Mike: Oh yeah, sure man, no problem. {Mike pulls out a dollar and gives it to Bum.}
Tom: Yeah, yeah, no problem. {Tom takes his wallet out of his pocket and pulls a dollar out. He gives the dollar to Bum.}
Bum: {to Mike, gesturing to Tom} Whoa, we got a high roller over here.
Mike and Tom: Yeah, heh heh.
Bum: Thanks guys, yeah, I really appreciate it, you know.
{A woman three seats to the right of Bum reaches her hand out to him. Bum looks at what she’s offering him. It’s the last two LifeSavers candy in the roll she has.}
Woman: Here, you want these?
Bum: {taking the candy} Oh, thanks, thanks. {to Tom and Mike} Look at this man, she’s trying to save my life! {to Woman} Thank you, thanks. {to Tom and Mike} Saving my life!
{The Man sitting to Bum’s immediate left gets up, leaving the seat vacant. Another Man comes to sit there. As the second Man is about to sit down, Bum’s cane slides down a little bit, right where Man is about to sit. Bum notices, and at the last second grabs the cane so Man doesn’t sit on it. Man is clueless. Bum feels a bit crowded by the new Man.}
Bum: {To Mike and Tom} Guy’s trying to sit on my motherfuckin’ lap, man.
{Also during this time, the Man to the Woman’s right gets up. She moves down a seat.}
Bum: Yeah, poor Woman, she’s working all day. Poor Woman doesn’t take a break. You know how it is. She’s got her husband working her too hard man, she’s always traveling man. {Gestures back to the LifeSavers in his hand.} Yeah, but you know, I’ve gotta watch what I eat, man. It’s this medicine I’m taking, you know, Motrin, I gotta be careful. Some stuff upsets my stomach.
Tom: Oh sure, you’ve got to be careful with that stuff.
Bum: Yeah, yeah, I’ve got this cheese here. {Holds up something wrapped in foil.} Yeah, I’ve been trying to eat this cheese. {to Tom} Hey man, you want some of my cheese?
Tom: Oh no, that’s okay. No thanks.
Bum: Yeah, I’ve been trying to eat this cheese. {Opens the foil. It’s a hot dog in a bun with cheese on it.} Hey man, {to Mike} you want a bite?
Mike: Oh, no thanks man.
Bum: You sure?
Mike: Yeah, yeah. I’m sure.
{Bum takes a bite of the hot dog. He chews for a while. Mike starts looking down one end of the car.}
Bum: Hey man, {to Mike} which one of them girls you lookin’ at man?
Mike: Nobody, man.
Bum: No man, which one of those girls?
Mike: Nobody, man. There’s nobody down there.
Bum: {singing} Biggie Biggie Biggie, can’t you see, sometimes these girls just hypnotize me… {laughs}
Mike and Tom: Heh heh.
Bum: Hey man, check it out. Behind you, check out those chicks, man.
{Mike and Tom don’t look.}
Tom: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Bum: Yeah, check ‘em out. Twelve o’clock. I mean six o’clock. Yeah, six o’clock.
{Mike and Tom still don’t look.}
Mike: Yeah man.
Bum: Yeah, my name’s Hot Chocolate. But the ladies… they call me Spilt Milk!
Mike and Tom: Heh heh.
Tom: Yeah, yeah.
{Train arrives at 66th Street station.}
Tom: Okay man, this is our stop. You take care now.
Mike: Yeah, man. Take care.
Bum: Okay guys, see ya.
{Tom and Mike exit the train.}

Hands down, funniest part of the day.